I made some mustard.

So a few weeks ago I posted about Monastery Mustard and how awesome the Sisters at St. Angel are. I guess this kind of planted the seed (no pun intended) and I finally made mustard this weekend. It was pretty great.

Now I don't even really like mustard, but making it was awesome. It totally fried my food processor but it was so worth it. I highly recommend that everyone try making it at least once. Or, if you don't like mustard, think of something you normally buy, that you'd never think of making, and make it yourself. It's strangely empowering and it feels good to take back some of the dependence we have on others. Plus it probably tastes better.

I don't know what to do next, I'm thinking about marmalade, lemon curd, pickled ginger, hot sauce and brining my own olives. If you've got any ideas for random fun projects that are kind of sciency and fun which result in me being able to give things to nice people, then let me know!!!!

Crafty sign making, Neon Orange Poster Board, & Cheap haircuts.

I saw this sign a few months ago downtown. And I walked by a few days ago and it was gone. It's weird taking pictures of things and having them not be there at another time. It's a somewhat difficult thing for me to grasp that life doesn't freeze and stay still whenever I leave a room or hop on the T. Coming back to a place and having it be different is always a strange experience and one I don't think I'll ever get used to.

Anyway, this sign is awesome for many reasons. First of all, it's about cheap haircuts, which I am ALL ABOUT. Second of all, it's on discount brand neon orange colored poster board. Anything on this medium (I call it a medium because everything created on it is a work of art) is fantastic and should be framed, like the example above. Finally, they obviously ran out of Cs and needed to cut a few O's or use parentheses to finish their sign. This is crafty and badass. When faced with a challenge, this men's hair cuttery rises to the occasion and makes it work. This is pure American ingenuity at work.

I was looking for a picture of a guy giving a thumbs up, and happened to find this picture of a guy dressed up as Uncle Sam giving two thumbs up on a beach. It's funny that I found this NOW, because a few weeks ago I really needed a picture of a guy dressed up as Uncle Sam giving two thumbs up on a beach but couldn't find one. I guess I should've searched harder on Punchstock, the internet's number one source for pictures of guys dressed up as Uncle Sam giving two thumbs up on a beach.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

This show is pretty awesome. I've watched Jamie Oliver's shows on the Food Network a few times because I think they're shot really beautifully (his show and the Barefoot Contessa are styled and shot impeccably) and he seems like a normal dude.

Jamie Oliver and family. Forget about the baby. That sweater is so mathy and cool.

The premise of the show is that Jamie goes to America's unhealthiest city and attempts to change the way the population thinks about food and nutrition. The food part of the show, honestly, doesn't really interest me. I suppose I initially watched this because I was interested in the normal melodramatic angry confrontations I love in Kitchen Nightmares.

Gordon Ramsay yelling at a dude for not being as good as him.

But this dude seems to actually care about people, and that is refreshing. It could all be an act. It's hard to tell when people are doing the right thing for the right reasons or because it sells whatever product they're pushing. But I'd like to think that Jamie Oliver could be in it to win it for the benefit of the little kids and adults who this program might ultimately influence. And that's something that should be praised and supported.

It's worth watching and you should check it out if you've got a chance. Link below takes you through time and space at warp speed to Hulu, where you can watch episodes for free if you're willing to watch 3 minutes of Yaz commercials (which are pretty fucking funny).

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

Are you there, God? It's me, Zach.

 Paging Dr. Rogaine, we have an emergency in the Zach ward.

So I was thinking about shaving my beard today. And I'd been thinking about it for weeks now. It's kinda annoying and getting to be a pain. But today I was gonna shave it for the wrong reason.

I guess somewhere deep in my brain there was some correlation between professionalism and a shaved (or at least kempt) facial hair. Truth be told, this is not completely unfounded. The picture below calls Joaquin Phoenix's situation a "crazy, homeless guy beard". Personally I don't feel like outward appearance (or more specifically facial hair) is any indication of self-respect, but I suppose I get why some people do.

I know I sort of look like a caveman lately. It's totally cool and I'm down with it, and luckily most of the work I do involves darkrooms, basements, bad lighting, or solitary computer work where I don't regularly have to explain why I look like a Cro-Magnon. I hate shaving because I ALWAYS cut myself, and I hate trimming my beard because it requires a firm commitment to keeping it up that I can't really make. So letting it grow out became an obvious and easy solution.

But I think I had a moment this afternoon where I thought for a second that being me wasn't good enough. And despite having felt that many times in the past it's really not a good thing to think at all. If someone's going to judge you based on something stupid like a big crazy beard then they're really not someone you want to be around anyway.

Here I am moving a bunch of rocks and looking for a Gigabit switch last week. I hate networking.

I'll shave it eventually. It is getting kinda annoying and random shit (food [every day], toothpaste [three or four times a week], feathers [once, that i know of, but only because someone told me, so probably more than once]) keeps getting stuck in it. It also has gotten bushy and tangly enough to officially support the weight of a thin stainless steel fork as of Tuesday. Or maybe I just got lucky and stuck it in a good spot on Tuesday. I've been trying for a few weeks now. For some reason that's a milestone to me. Now I'm waiting for it to grow long enough that I can tie a hair in a knot and support the weight of a 4oz lead teardrop sinker. I don't know if I'll make it that long but it would be pretty cool.

Anyway... maybe I'm just growing up but I guess it's important to embrace the elements of ourselves that we sometimes question or attempt to change. It's cool to not be perfect and it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. And if you're comfortable with yourself, other people will be comfortable with you too. I feel like I'm 90% there. I'm still pretty embarrassed that I can't tie my shoes, laugh out loud when people say "butt", and that I have to watch a youtube instructional video in slow motion when I need to tie a half-windsor. But eventually I guess I'll grow into this just like the beard grew into my face. And it'll probably get on my nerves before I appreciate it.

So as scratchy and fluffy and big and crazy as it is, it's on my face and I guess it's there to stay a little while longer. And I'm pretty okay with this. Beards are, indeed awesome. And I feel slightly more awesome today too. Hooray.

Dudes With Beards Eating Cupcakes

Dudes With Beards Eating Cupcakes

This is so weird.

John Candy

So I was walking home from work and this beat-up Chevy Cutlass pulled up to a house about 200 feet from where I was and backfired. It was alarming. But it was pretty awesome. Which made me remember Uncle Buck, who had a car that always backfired. And that got me thinking about how fucking awesome John Candy was in the late 80's. Dude was in Home Alone, The Rescuers Down Under AND Uncle Buck in a SINGLE YEAR.

Take a step back and think about what you did this last year. Here's what I did: Based on statistics I crapped around 1,200 times, I know I lost my wallet twice, I definitely fell down the stairs once, and can sure as hell remember cutting my face due to sneezing while shaving 4 times ([all in the fall; I have a drafty bathroom and my sneezes come without warning, don't judge).

In the same amount of time that I took a lot of dumps and involuntarily hurt myself, John Candy made movie history. He got to work with Macaulay Culkin TWICE when he was still awesome (I know it's not fair to expect child stars to never grow up, but seriously, someone should have stunted his growth or thrown him in some kind of cryo-chamber or something. They'd be up to Home Alone 38 by now and I'd own every single one)

He also got to work with Tia, the admittedly bitchy shitty daughter in Uncle Buck, but I had (and still kind of have?) a huge crush on her. (I just googled "Uncle Buck Tia" to find a picture of Tia, which led me to find her name, Jean Louisa Kelly, which I googled and then found this:

CELEBRITYBAREFEET.COM????  WHAT THE HELL?)

Anyway... it's a real shame he died so young (and also totally nuts that it happened 16 years ago... I remember watching Cool Runnings (on VHS) with my brother the day he died. It was snowing. We were sad). Thinking about all of the incredible movies he was in, it's scary to think of what else he would have done if he was still around.

But you know what? He made some incredible movies and as trite as it sounds, his legacy lives on forever. He was a part of some of the greatest movies ever made (Blues Brothers, Caddyshack, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Little Shop of Horrors, Uncle Buck, Home Alone, Summer Rental [note to self: where the hell did you put your Blues Brothers DVD?]). He makes me smile whenever I watch one of his movies and that is pretty freaking cool... and something we can all kinda aspire to in a weird way (I know he had problems but still. His life's work was dedicated to making people laugh and that's both difficult and admirable).

John Candy, you are awesome. Job well done.

Spring Plaid

I am excited about the warmer weather because that means I get to wear my spring plaid shirts, which have a noticeably more subtle color palette and are fun in their own unique way. Just in the last few days there have been a lot more people out and about in the city wearing some awesome plaid shirts and it is a wonderful sight. It's kind of hard to have a bad day when you're wearing an awesome shirt that makes everyone smile. If you haven't tried it yet, I highly recommend it.

I am majorly on the hunt for more awesome short sleeve plaid button-ups, so if you see good ones, let me know. And if you're looking for some good ones, let me know and maybe we can trade our info and sources on awesome plaid.

Photovoltaic Cell Awesomeness

This is real. And it's going to revolutionize solar energy production. And it's also awesome looking.

Fork Splitting

So i was reading about English Muffins (more specifically fork splitting the English Muffin and the effect it has on the muffin as opposed to splitting it with a knife [there is a whole back-and-forth conversation here that was interesting for like 30 seconds but then got boring as all hell) and I was going to post a picture of a fork, but when I googled Fork I found this:

What the fuck.

Anyway, apparently splitting things with forks creates nooks and crannies. This is kind of awesome. So to see if I could create nooks and crannies on other things, I began to experiment (mind you everything I'm sharing has happened within the last 15 minutes and is unscientific at best). I tried to make nooks and crannies on a block of jalapeno white cheddar cheese. This did not work. Then I tried to make nooks and crannies on a cookie. This also did not work. Finally, I tried to make nooks and crannies on some wonder bread. And guess what happened? It didn't work.

The end result is that I've got a fucked up block of cheese, a bunch of cookie crumbs, some ratty looking white bread, and no nooks and crannies.

Such a typical Monday. Ugh.

Shaving babies

Babies and a good razor are kind of like spaghetti and meatballs. Both awesome on their own, but they are elevated to a whole new level of awesome when they join forces. 

If you've seen my face over the past 10 years, you know that I'm not a huge fan of shaving, but I never thought a picture of a baby shaving would make me laugh as much as this did. Definitely frame-worthy and definitely awesome.

 

(Thanks Steph)

P.S. Brian: Make sure Conor uses a safety blade. Or even better let him grow a beard out. Babies & Beards > Babies & Razors.

People getting punched in the face in slow motion. And a baby.

I never really thought about it until I watched this video, but I guess getting punched in the face kind of sucks. It also looks really weird in slow motion. Really weird, but really awesome. I think I could watch people getting hurt all day if it was as fun as this. I'd also let someone punch me in the face if i could watch it back in slow motion. I wonder what my beard would do.

Here's a video of a bunch of folks from a post-production studio in Texas getting punched in the face. In badass slow motion. Maybe everyone's seen this already but it's new to me and it's pretty freaking great.

People getting punched in the face in slow motion

Seeing people get punched in the face reminds me of this 5 second clip that I have been OBSESSED with for a pretty long time now. It has over 4 million views. 3,750,000, give or take a few thousand, are me. Sometimes I feel bad about liking this video but then I watch it again and start laughing and all of the guilt melts away. Any time you're having a bad day, just think about this lady and it kind of puts things in perspective.

Best Video Ever

On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED note, my friends Brian and Mary had a baby this morning. His name is Conor and I am pretty freaking excited for them. They're great, great people and are going to make the most incredible parents.

Photo of Conor, taken by his Dad.

Welcome to the world, Conor. You just made it a whole lot more awesome. :-)

Monastery Mustard

Despite my extreme aversion to and disgust for large quantities of homogenous edible things, this story on a group of Benedictine Sisters is pretty wonderful. These ladies had a recipe for mustard and decided that it was so good that they could turn it into a business and use the proceeds to help out their community. It goes to show you that a simple idea founded on generosity and a strong work ethic can lead to wonderful, cool and inspiring things.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my ability to make a difference in people's lives and my place in the world. And there have been a lot of stories like this coming out lately about ordinary people with big hearts who focus their energy on something they're good at, market themselves well, and either give back to or promote causes that are close to them. I don't think I'm all that good at anything but if these badass Sisters can run an awesome business and help people in need, it's only a matter of time before I figure out what to do. Plus, I guess you don't need to invent something crazy or become President to make other people's lives better. You can do it with something as simple as mustard. So I guess if you've ever wanted to make big changes in the world and didn't think you could, you should watch this. Because we all can, and it made me feel a lot better too.

Monastery Mustard

On a nerdy/weird/stupid note, I never knew that you used a blowtorch to shrink wrap the plastic seals on jarred products. I was so excited to see the nun with the blow torch. If I were on the Mustard assembly line, this would be my job. And I would love it. Fire rules.

Tetris Tiles

Tetris Tiles are amazing.

If my bathroom were covered in these, I'd want to crap all day.

This is the best color scheme. I just love these so much. Life is so fun and tiles should be too.

For more awesomeness, visit www.tetris-tiles.com.

Jessica Fletcher, my hero.

When I was little we used to climb up on my parent's bed and watch Murder, She Wrote on Sunday nights. My dad was already asleep by then (which was and still is weird since it was 8:00) but my mom and I were really into it. I guess it's kind of strange that I was allowed to watch people get shot, hit in the head with wrenches, burned alive, stabbed, pushed off balconies, poisoned, and have their brakes cut when I was 5, but I think it's probably what's made me so well-rounded and mature for my age (stop thinking what you're thinking right now).

Jessica Fletcher is my hero. She embodies everything that I want to be in life. She is the eternal optimist, has an undying need to help others, and puts the needs of her friends before her own. If she was a real person, I would intern for her or something. That said, developing any kind of relationship with her is a certain invitation to be thrown into a brutal murder mystery, whether I'd be the victim or the innocent but questionable suspect with the odds stacked against me. So maybe I would have done some kind of telecommuting internship. Or we could have conference called or something. They didn't have that in 1987 but Jessica and I would have figured something out (and it would have been none of your business).

Jessica generously lends her time in an effort to get to the bottom of who victimized this woman with self-tanner.

At the beginning of every episode, Jessica is usually dealing with some kind of work-related issue, like travelling somewhere to research a new book, or fucking with her broken typewriter because she's got a deadline to submit her draft in New York City. She's a busy lady and I give her credit for choosing a slower, quieter life in Cabot Cove, as opposed to moving to Manhattan (where she actually taught for a whole season [the murders and storylines in this season, in case you were wondering, were totally sub-par]). She is modest and confident, a star in her field, and well-respected in her community, where she shops locally, gets around town on bicycle (she was green before green was popular) and singlehandedly solves more murders per year than all of the detectives in most major police departments do combined.

 

Sometimes you have to break and enter to get to the bottom of things. Jessica isn't just above the law, she IS the law.

Every episode of Murder, She Wrote presents a challenge for Jessica. Sometimes, a friend she hasn't heard from in a long time is murdered. Then there are cases where her second cousin gets accused of murder, or there's a witch at the Cabot Cove church who pushes someone off the steeple.  These things happen, people. This is real life. Jessica speaks my language and I can relate to her hardships. 

Her true heroism comes at the end of every episode where, despite all of these terrible things happening around her, she triumphs. Jessica uses her stealthy investigation skills to get to the bottom of the mystery and figure out who the real culprit is, stumping the criminal and stymieing the village Sheriff, Mort, who I have no respect for whatsoever. Your hard-earned taxpayer dollars are paying for this guy to fumble around town like a douche all day and take backseat to a retired 60-something mystery writer who has no business being on a crime scene. At least Jessica represents the people of Cabot Cove in the House of Representatives, and can do something about this.

The woman in the background knows she's going to die in 5 minutes and does NOT look happy about it.

Jessica ends each episode with a smile, putting the brutality and injustice of the last 45 minutes behind her, while embracing her inner-strength, steadfast resolve for righting wrongs, and sometimes Tom Selleck.

I don't know why Jessica and Magnum teamed up on this episode. It was terrible. You can tell from this picture that Jessica is so over it.

There are few people in my life that I would give a kidney for. If I ever get slashed, killed in a ritual voodoo ceremony, blown up on a boat, or electrocuted with a hairdryer in a bathtub, I hope that you barge onto the scene uninvited and show those good-for-nothing Bumblefuck PD officers who's boss. You may be fictional, but you are real to me, now and forever.

I raise my glass this evening to you, Jessica Fletcher, my hero.

 

Jessica raising her glass back at me. Jealous, much?

I love the internet.

Fried Chicken Head found in McDonald's order.

Bright orange rectangular prisms rule.

In a world that is scary and unpredictable, one thing remains constant: my love for this refrigerator. Behold, the orange Smeg:

These cost more than my life but I can dream. I guess I could just paint my refrigerator orange. I don't think that would be that awesome though. I can't paint worth a lick (not just artsy painting, I cannot paint a wall a solid color without it looking like a streaky clusterfuck) and it still wouldn't have those sexy rounded corners.

Also, look at that badass door handle. It's like a vintage car that holds your food. Cars, food and the color orange. Sounds pretty freaking great to me.